Anxiety Emails

I finish 2 weeks tomorrow on my new work chair. Things for me changed overnight due to some unforeseen circumstances. From being the guy who handled back-end/internal communication and was used to resolving issues behind the scenes to being pushed into the front office to deal with clients and suppliers. 

It’s been 2 weeks, since I spent 8 hours at work stress free to spending 10 hours in front of the computer wishing the day was for 25 hours so that I had an additional hour to finish my work. It’s been 2 weeks, since I looked forward to hearing more and more from my colleagues because they used to be busy telling me about how illogical or unreasonable clients were to now feeling a couple of seconds of anxiety when I see their names flash on my phone.

It’s been 2 weeks now, since I last fired a stress – free email. From sending them to my colleagues and sellers within the system to now firing them to outsiders. I call them ‘Anxiety Emails’.

‘Anxiety Emails’

Those emails that you defer a couple of times in a day, ponder on for 60 seconds before sending and for 180 seconds after. Maybe you even go to your sent emails to verify if you’ve sent it to the right person. Or maybe you don’t relate to anything I’m telling you, in which case this may seem like a futile attempt.

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The first time ever, that I shot out one of these, I ended up almost getting kicked to the curb. I mean, how idiotic does an educated dude have to be, to not be able to differentiate between 2 names and almost throw away his entire business plan to an outsider. BUT, that wasn’t me (IT WAS!). I am by no means an idiot (I WAS!). But it was handled and I’ve only learned from the experience.

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But yeah, 2 weeks and 1000 emails later, it still feels like it’s my first day on the job. I still do every little thing I mentioned above. I mean, my risk appetite which earlier used to be the size of a pea is now having to deal with watermelon sized doubts that just keep on piling up. My worst case scenario, which once used to be a few abuses from my boss and a few overnight-work days to redo the entire work to potentially risking losing business and getting fired. 

Well, all I can really hope for is it gets better after the next 2 weeks or the weeks after. Because Anxiety Emails, they’re not for me; maybe they will be in the future, but they definitely aren’t right now. I mean yes, they’re enabling me to grow and handle stressful situations and learn new things; and I love the challenge too. But I still think 2 weeks ago … Those were happier times!

Did you ever think you’d find someone rant about losing sleep over emails? Oh no, I mean ‘ANXIETY EMAILS’!

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Moving On

I have thought this and said it out loud atleast a thousand times,

“My lack of ability to move on is going to be my doom”.

I don’t mean ‘moving on’ only in the context of a breakup or a heartbreak. I mean it in a much broader sense. Like my inability to move on from an incomplete task when something more important shows up at my table; or my inability to forget a pending task because I had to do something else.

Somehow, that incomplete task keeps living in my brain, hounding me until I deal with it. 

Let’s get to the romantic side first :

There’s this girl that I really like and care about, in a romantic way and otherwise. I am almost 100% certain that nobody understands her the way I do and there’s nobody who’s going to mesh with her better personality better or who’s going to be as good for her as me. But somehow things didn’t work out on the romantic side and it was soon very clear that we weren’t going to end up together.

But this is the kind of person I wanted in my life, since she added a lot of value and brought along a lot of laughs with her and more than anything, her presence made me really happy. My heart always tells me to be supportive and not let my petty feelings of insecurity get in the way of a nice relationship. 

Here’s the thing though :

I wish well for this person and want nothing but the best for her and if someone else makes her happy, then so be it. But how do you move on/detach yourself from this situation? I have always been that guy who’s either 100% all in or not in it at all, there’s no in-between. I LOVE the banter we share and how we’re there for each other but I also cannot stop spiralling when she’s going out with someone else (platonically even). And that’s just one thing. 

Now The Professional Side

I have been somewhat unfortunate with my academics so far. I have an exam left to clear before I get my degree and I’ve taken a lot more time than necessary in doing it. Simultaneously, having focused all my energy on studying and clearing these exams, meant delaying my career for the longest time. Somewhere in between, it even dawned on me that this is not what I really want to do in life. 

This degree is nothing but a big value addition to my resume, which adds more credibility to my name irrespective of what I do in the future. It is a certification that involuntarily states that I am a smart guy and allows me to do things without raising a lot of questions. But, it also been my biggest shield to hide behind. 

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In a world with a million job and career opportunities, simply knowing things that I don’t want to do is not good enough. Apart from the fact that I’d never be able to live it down if I quit the degree, there’s the fact that I have no idea what I want to do ahead.

So yeah, I stand here doing a simple job that’s not doing justice to my capabilities, while simultaneously focusing on completing my degree and not doing a good job with either of those things. If only, I had the guts to quit and move on without remorse. Things would’ve been easier and life a lot better!

Here’s the funny part though; The Professional side doesn’t really matter. I am not worried about my job and making money because I know I’ll do something decent with my life eventually (and this is also my privilege talking). It’s always the emotional part that pulls me down. What good is anything if you don’t have someone to share it with?

So yeah, if only I learn to move on and avoid a certain doom for myself!

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