Moving On

I have thought this and said it out loud atleast a thousand times,

“My lack of ability to move on is going to be my doom”.

I don’t mean ‘moving on’ only in the context of a breakup or a heartbreak. I mean it in a much broader sense. Like my inability to move on from an incomplete task when something more important shows up at my table; or my inability to forget a pending task because I had to do something else.

Somehow, that incomplete task keeps living in my brain, hounding me until I deal with it. 

Let’s get to the romantic side first :

There’s this girl that I really like and care about, in a romantic way and otherwise. I am almost 100% certain that nobody understands her the way I do and there’s nobody who’s going to mesh with her better personality better or who’s going to be as good for her as me. But somehow things didn’t work out on the romantic side and it was soon very clear that we weren’t going to end up together.

But this is the kind of person I wanted in my life, since she added a lot of value and brought along a lot of laughs with her and more than anything, her presence made me really happy. My heart always tells me to be supportive and not let my petty feelings of insecurity get in the way of a nice relationship. 

Here’s the thing though :

I wish well for this person and want nothing but the best for her and if someone else makes her happy, then so be it. But how do you move on/detach yourself from this situation? I have always been that guy who’s either 100% all in or not in it at all, there’s no in-between. I LOVE the banter we share and how we’re there for each other but I also cannot stop spiralling when she’s going out with someone else (platonically even). And that’s just one thing. 

Now The Professional Side

I have been somewhat unfortunate with my academics so far. I have an exam left to clear before I get my degree and I’ve taken a lot more time than necessary in doing it. Simultaneously, having focused all my energy on studying and clearing these exams, meant delaying my career for the longest time. Somewhere in between, it even dawned on me that this is not what I really want to do in life. 

This degree is nothing but a big value addition to my resume, which adds more credibility to my name irrespective of what I do in the future. It is a certification that involuntarily states that I am a smart guy and allows me to do things without raising a lot of questions. But, it also been my biggest shield to hide behind. 

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In a world with a million job and career opportunities, simply knowing things that I don’t want to do is not good enough. Apart from the fact that I’d never be able to live it down if I quit the degree, there’s the fact that I have no idea what I want to do ahead.

So yeah, I stand here doing a simple job that’s not doing justice to my capabilities, while simultaneously focusing on completing my degree and not doing a good job with either of those things. If only, I had the guts to quit and move on without remorse. Things would’ve been easier and life a lot better!

Here’s the funny part though; The Professional side doesn’t really matter. I am not worried about my job and making money because I know I’ll do something decent with my life eventually (and this is also my privilege talking). It’s always the emotional part that pulls me down. What good is anything if you don’t have someone to share it with?

So yeah, if only I learn to move on and avoid a certain doom for myself!

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Dating Your Bestfriend

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Over time, we’ve come across all kinds of love and friendships. And with that, comes all kinds of various suggestions and ideas around dating your friend. In fact, a lot of the movies we see have been on this premise.

From Kuch Kuch Hota Hai in Bollywood that revolved in its favor and very famously said, “Pyaar Dosti hai (love is friendship)”, which every second Indian today quotes at some point in their lives, or a comfort watch like “When Harry Met Sally”, to Hollywood movies like “500 Days of Summer”; which suggest that it’s just not meant to be.

When ‘Chandler and Monica’ get together or when ‘Joey and Rachel’ can’t. Maybe it’s the best thing to happen or maybe it’s not, it’s all too subjective. It cannot possibly be just me who’s made this, ‘We’ll get married if we’re single at 40’ kinda promises with my bestfriend, to which I sometimes wonder, why wait until 40 (when your life is almost half gone)?

I’ve come across so many instances where it’s said, dating your best friend isn’t a good idea because that could lead to the beginning of the end of a cherished connection and is not probably worth the risk. That just makes me wonder… Here’s a recent incident that made me think about this for hours!

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Amidst this COVID19 lockdown and us not being able to meet the people we love, with there being no first dates and where every relationship feels like long-distance; I’d simply forgotten about how a lot of things are supposed to make me feel. But it all changed in the span of 60 minutes when I met my bestfriend.

We saw each other after an ETERNITY, which was followed by a much needed (but anxious) hug and a lot of hand sanitizer. That’s when it all came back. That comfort of talking your heart out to your someone, listening to them talk about their life because you care so much; sharing problems, perspectives, and the obvious banter.

It all just feels like routine bestfriend stuff, I know. But that rush came back when I hugged her goodbye. I don’t remember the last time I felt such a pure emotion of nothing but joy and comfort in being in her presence and that just got me to wonder!

I’d want that genuineness and purity, that effortless care about someone I end up with. Just to feel so secure in someone’s arms or the fact that every embrace with that special someone is so wholesome because anything else simply feels like a compromise. When everything with YOUR person is like second nature, it’s your home.

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Relationships require work. They require a lot of effort to make sure 2 people can live under one roof and not drive each other crazy. Find common ground between different interests and choices and make life easier for each other. That’s a lot of hard work.

But emotions? Is it really worth it if I have to put a lot of effort into making myself ‘feel’ a certain way?

Shouldn’t emotions just be undemanding and more importantly, natural?

If it’s the latter, then I have never felt something so innate in my entire existence. And this may sound like an exaggeration, but this right here definitely seemed inevitable, especially having completely forgotten how it felt. Since then, I’ve been a little disoriented about my feelings and a constant state of pondering has been looming over me.

But one thing I’ve concluded for myself is that I could never be with someone where my ‘emotions’ did not flow as naturally. Which further makes me think, I’d probably not be able to feel that with just anyone, but someone I’m close to, probably a bestfriend.



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The New Friend

We exchanged looks at the library,

And I knew your face was new.

Little did I know back then,

That with time I’d start caring for you.

 

You seemed so pretty and jolly,

Always sporting a bright sunny smile.

Your stupid Manchester City jersey annoyed me though,

I could spot it from a mile.

 

I don’t know how it happened,

How we came so close.

I think I was in awe of one of your photos,

Where you held a striking pose.

 

I can imagine your face while I write this,

You seemed so weirdly amused.

Your eyebrows up and nostrils flaring,

While of being stupid I get accused.

 

I enjoy the wisdom that comes with your maturity,

I admire your heart and its purity.

You bring with yourself a mixture of beauty, joy and grace,

Your presence surely makes this world a better place.

 

-The Travellothoner

The Lost Forever Friend

We crashed paths in school,

And it was a hate-hate relationship.

God knows how but over the years,

It developed into a kinship.

 

It had its ups and downs,

Sometimes happiness and sometimes frowns.

Its been quite a journey with you and its not been easy,

That attitude and those birthdays have been anything but breezy.

 

If you know me then you know I’ve enjoyed it all,

For I’ve been a bigger pain to you than when you run into a wall.

Its always special with you for reasons unknown,

This friendship has literally shaped the way I’ve grown.

 

You’re the Chandler to my Joey,

Always so smart and sassy!

I have always admired you,

For your taste so classy.

 

Its not the distance that hurts me,

I know you’re always just a call or 50 steps away.

Its these weird extended silences,

Which may last a lifetime is why I’m afraid.

 

But you know I’m always going to be around,

To stick my nose in your business I am forever bound.

Won’t stretch it too long cause I know you’re busy,

With me you know its going to end on a note very cheesy.

 

Though there is gold in the mountains,

And pearls in the sea.

Those treasures don’t mean as much,

As your friendship means to me.

 

-The Travellothoner