Inadequacy

I spend the nights staring at the ceiling

What really is this feeling

I am right there and yet not

Thinking of all the things I have achieved

And yet the feeling of self worth is far from being perceived

The list of blessings is really a lot

And yet somehow it falls short

Already burnt enough

Why is the sail still so rough

The existence covets endline

Helplessly looking for a sign

I ask myself these questions

Of the answer there is no mention

This feeling has an impression so forlorn

To misery this life has already sworn

But I am not complaining

For nothingness is a gracious guest

Like inadequacy that gives me everyday it’s best.


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You & I

In a parallel universe, I wake up next to you,

Feeling your breath on the nape of my neck;

Maybe in a parallel universe,

I don’t have to yearn for your presence.


In a parallel universe,

I don’t have to swirl my brain,

Into a labyrinth of already overthought thoughts to make that call.

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In a parallel universe, I go back in time, to the old town of Manali,

Sneak in to the terrace, listen to Elvis Presley’s , ‘Can’t help falling in love with you’ ,

While we slow dance under the blanket of stars,

Staring at your almond shaped brown eyes, your smile as bright as the sunshine,

The blush on your cheek, the moonlight shining on your forehead,

Your perfectly aligned teeth, I feel cursed with my oh-so vibrant memory!

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In a parallel universe,

I am not scared of my heart beating so wildly,

When I think about you.


In a parallel universe,

you and I don’t give up on each other.

Maybe in a parallel universe you don’t walk all over me and leave.

Maybe, just maybe in a parallel universe,

our love didn’t crumble under the weight of our egos.


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So Close And Yet So Far

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I was taking a walk down memory lane,

like I seldom do.

One of the things that struck out to me,

was my story with you.


We’ve known each other for almost a decade,

And been friends for just two.

But our paths crossed decades ago,

Around the time when ‘text messages’ were still new.


We went to the same school you and I,

Although a couple of years apart.

Little did I know that we’d be bestfriends,

When 2 years ago we took a fresh start.


Our friendship is weird,

Something I don’t fully understand.

Why does it have to function like two functions of a switch?

Seldom on and seldom off, but ever so damned!

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Someone

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I just want to have someone around,

A person who’ll pick me up when I’m on the ground.

Someone who longs to see me as much as I long to see them, 

Just a person who treats me like a gem.


A person who makes you their number one priority, 

Someone who can command over you their authority.

You don’t have to be around all the time or be stuck to my hip,

But maybe once in a while a milkshake you could whip.


Could be a lover or maybe a friend,

Or maybe just a colleague who’d have some time to spend.

All I ask is for a few minutes out of your day,

Share a phone call or some texts or exchange thoughts about Hemingway. 


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Grateful

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Reposting an old poem today which is really close to my heart. This poem is an ode and me showing my gratitude to some very strong female personalities in my life (friends and family), who’ve time and again supported me when I needed help, educated me when I was wrong and been there for me always. Originally published on May 20, 2019 here.


To the girl who thinks she’s not good enough,

To the girl who thinks she’s not as strong,

To the girl who thinks this hurdle she cannot get past,

To the girl who cannot stand up to point out you’re wrong.

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To you pretty ladies I’ve only got one thing to say,

You are wonderful the way you are, in your own beautiful way!

From the lady responsible for my existence today,

To the lady who held my hand when I went astray.


From the one who taught me to read and write,

To the one who loves to kiss me goodnight.

I am surrounded by y’all like a bee around a flower,

Walking around in ignorance, unaware of your power.

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Its an open untalked secret this circle of life,

From the days I needed my mother to seeking refuge in my wife.

Y’all run this world and make it a better place,

I hope one day I can repay you for every sacrifice and tear behind that face.


Until then I say “Thank You” and admire the graceful,

For your mere existence I am forever grateful.

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2020 – A Pandemic Birthday

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This year marks a quarter century of my existence,

A year that demanded some level of consistence,

A year filled with some half hearted persistence,

A year requiring a lot of social distance.


A year where a lot of mistakes were made,

A year where lot of karmic dues were paid,

A year where mostly indoors we stayed,

A year that lead to some hairs grayed. 


A year where the planet took a bender,

A year that the history books will remember,

A year that exposed humanity so tender,

A year that needed us all to surrender.


A year that forced us to change our way,

A year where to the screens we said hey,

A year that led a lot of people astray,

A year where I learnt to make a soufflé’.


A year that feels like a never ending slope,

A year where things have been too hard to cope,

A year where a country was crippled by a rope

A year where I have to lean a lot on hope.

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Ps. I started a tradition last year on my birthday, to write a poem and talk about how the year has been so far (check last year’s poem here). Thanks to the pandemic, this year couldn’t be as eventful, but I am grateful for the good health of the people around me and the way they’ve coped and grown amidst the pandemic. If you’re reading this, I hope you and your loved ones are doing good and I wish you nothing but the best for your future.

Pps. 30th September 2020 also marked the completion of 3 full years of this blog. Bombay Ficus (earlier known as The Travellothoner), wouldn’t have been where it is without our viewers and the kind people who took some time out of their lives to leave encouraging words in their comments (For the story of how this blog came into existence and how it grew over the years, click here). We are deeply grateful for your continued love and support. Thank you!

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Good Goodbye

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It feels weird to think you’re leaving this time around,

A lot more unsettling than it ever was before.

I knew it was never permanent before based on the way you’d sound,

I wish I could say or believe that anymore.


We’ve known each other for over a decade,

And yet a simple dinner that sparked things off.

I still remember that white dress you wore,

Which made you look like a dinosaur.


You’ve been the best bestfriend anyone could ask for,

Your personality and principles I really adore.

I know the departure is imperative because it is a chance for you to grow,

Your grit is inspiring and presence as peaceful as snow.


I’ll never forget that post lockdown hug,

Because to me it felt like home.

In me you’ll find a forever cheerleader and supporter,

Irrespective of wherever in this world you roam.


Ps. Here’s a photo which will explain the dinosaur reference.

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Appearances

Sitting by the window sill with a cigarette in hand,

Hiding from everybody who I really am.


The mask is imbibed so deep,

That I have forgotten how reality feels.


The scarring mark is a little too surreal,

The piece of trauma is nothing ferial.


Not so happy with the journey so far,

Waiting for the end to shine with the stars.


A story pained with a lot of tar,

Clinch so hard to ensure no door is left ajar.


Something about lying feels comforting,

The truth slowly seems to be deserting.


The makeshift persists but it is a sham,

Maybe that’s who I really am.

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A Writer’s Pain

It’s nothing much,

Just a feeble try to convey how deeply I felt,

Words that so easily get my heart to melt,

If only there was a way to put it all away,

And start afresh the next day.


I know you are trying to relate,

And that’s the reason I put my heart on this god damned slate,

These words might stick to you or not,

Yet a piece of me definitely stays out there to rot.


It’s a writer’s pain etched in stone,

Crushing the wound into the very bone,

Does it pain to read the way it pained to write?

Or was this a fateful defeat I had to fight?

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Eternity & Beyond

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I wish I could have you here with me,

Hold your hand as and when I please,

Hug you tight when I feel incomplete,

A life without complications is all I plead,

Things would be so easy indeed.

 

To love and care for you is all I seek,

Be your go-to person at any time during the week,

Hold your hand and hold you tight,

Never ever let you out of my sight.

 

I feel I’m perfect for you and no one else is close,

I’d love you with all I have and this nobody can oppose,

I think what stops you is the fact that I’m not your type,

But has any other guy before been worth the hype?

 

What I think you need is someone who makes you feel loved,

Someone who makes you realize what you’re worth,

Someone who puts an effort in you and your wellbeing,

Someone who makes you realize you’re worth cherishing,

Someone who will never get tired of all your cribbing,

Someone who adores you and your fussy eating.

 

I adore you so much it makes me insecure,

Cause I know it’s not going to be long before someone figures out your allure,

People don’t see it now cause you’re in a carbon state,

Put through some tests and it’ll reveal your diamond ways.

 

Sometimes I feel the dark and repeal the light,

No vision in my deemed eyes,

Lost in thought so scared inside,

Wishing you were here to hug me and say it’s alright.

Words

You used to fill the void in my heart

Left you more spoken than not

Like a beer bottle that is rattled

I knew the tip off would leave them startled

What happened to you, what changed?

Wish I could tell you the facade left me maimed

Lying under the pile unexpressed

Like a bullet to the arm that hurts to death

This twisted tongue has some tied stories

The ones that fill you up till your throat

But those words rolled down the cheek instead

The ones that left you so overwhelmed

But a touch of love had you leave it instead

In the sleepless night when she asked you to tell about your despair

But you nudged the thought of dumping your emotional burden cause it’s just not fair

Like an unfinished story that deserved an end

Like a letter written, hiding in the books waiting to be sent

Like some old tattered ties waiting to mend

I wish some day you have the courage to speak those words

I hope you find somebody you can tell more than ‘Nothing much’

Till then it’s just the hope as such

Some words would have been better if said!

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The Run

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Take a thousand steps and maybe a thousand more,

And ever so often you’ll want to take a thousand more.

In the mornings, evenings or late at night,

A therapeutic activity to test your fight.


Every step taken is a step closer to your goal,

A step towards making your achievement whole.

And when your muscles ache and your face is red,

Remember your determination that got you out of bed.


Push through your limits and dig into your grit,

Recognize your potential and find new targets to hit.

Inspire the people around you including your peers,

Encourage them to fight and face their fears.


Run like a hare or as steady as a tortoise,

Ignore all the noise and listen to your voice.

Remember all the hard work and all the times you bled,

Once a runner, always a runner they said.


-The Travellothoner